This blog picks up from Part 1.
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.- Philippians 4:6
I knew that I needed help and I needed it now.
My church that I attend has a recovery program call Regeneration. I knew that one of my co-workers did the program and I asked her if she thought it would be good for my anxiety. She told me yes! She said that she wouldn’t be were she was, if it wasn’t for this program. She encourage me to go to a commencement to hear testimonies from those who had completed the program.
On a Monday night, in spring of 2017, I felt for the first time that there was hope for me to overcome my anxiety. I sat at church and heard from men and women share how this program had helped them and gave them the tools to overcome their struggles. There was one lady who talked about how her life was a mess and she felt like she was a shattered vase, that if one more thing happen, she would break. I felt like she was sharing about my life. I heard how she was able to overcome her fears and anxiety through this program and she encouraged all to do it. So I did.
For 12 months, every Monday I went to Regen. There were moments that I didn’t want to be there. I was bitter and angry at God for allowing me to struggle with anxiety after I had done everything He asked of me. There were days that all I did was cry. I felt broken and ashamed to be there, all because I couldn’t get it “under control”. I never told anyone in my close group that I worked for the church because I believed that ” I had to have it all put together” because I was on staff.
Each Monday, the ladies in my group would love me and tell me thanks for sharing. They didn’t judge me or give me a hard time when I would share how I was struggling with my anxiety. They listen to me when I talked and they prayed for me. The steps were helping me to process why I was anxious and how to truly let God have control. It was a day by day process.
The hardest part for me was going through my inventory. It is a process where you look back at your life, and pin point big moments that have effected you. It is broken down into different categories to help you process things better. BUT it is so hard! I had to write down my fears, resentments, harms to me, harms by me and etc. It was during time this I started to see why I was struggling with anxiety and where my fears were coming from. I learned so much about God’s grace in inventory, found a new depth of love for Jesus and the cross. I got it! I finally understood why people went through Regen. It wasn’t some magic program, it was because you were getting the Gospel in small drips that was now watering all areas of my life.
Each step after that, God kept peeling away layers that I had been holding onto. Layers that I had kept silent about and didn’t tell anyone until now. The more I let God take control of those fears and anxieties, the more free I felt from them. A year later, I was at my own commencement giving a brief 3 minute testimony about my life.